Reflecting on 'Chiyagai AI's' Song

Over the past few years, I have replayed “Chiyagai AI’s” song hundreds of times. It is one of my favorite pieces.

Japanese music, comics, and novels all paint scenes that evoke a sense of distance between peopleothers, society, and the environment are like three vertices of an equilateral triangle. This song captures both heartbreak in winter and endless downpours of rain: the pain felt by those injured temporarily retreats into their hearts, dissolving into an abstract void left behind; they still feel some lingering nostalgia for what was once familiar to them as well as some inexplicable longing for things they don’t understand. However, there’s a tangible barrier between them and the outside world, a chasm formed by the fleeting winter rain drops. The heart is fractured like ice chunks, letting autumn slowly seep in until it endures with cold.

Every winter night I used to listen to this song, experiencing both the sharpness of the sky and the warmth of my heart. It felt like falling into anaphoric sleep while surrounded by blanketed darknessperhaps a transitional period that prepares me for a more rigid exterior. Even when I confront the “heat death” of my own world, I have the strength to face it head-on.

Last night, before bed, an irrational desire washed over meto throw everything away and destroy it completely, as if stampeding through the earth while my muscles and mind collided in a concentrated force that subsequently crumpled everything. There is a devil within me; when no one is around, he lets his temper run wild, trampling my sense of dignity. He might yell at anyone who dares to speak on his behalf or throw things at him out of malicebut I can feel the ground beneath my feet giving way as he does so.

For years now, good and bad things have happened, but they were never in my control. Sometimes, I wonder if my life has entered a state of auto pilot or if it’s already spiraling out of control. It seems to be mocking me for that very thought. The cold, unfeeling winter that only I can feel keeps it at bayits company is confined to the room where it resides within my heart while I sit in my warm study with a window overlooking the stormy night outside.

This song has brought me this feeling: My heart has become , while memories slowly melt. The world no longer exists on its surfaceit feels like a dichotomy between two separate realities.

Reading through my journal entries recently, something odd about my inner state has begun to emergeI might feel an unexpected surge of emotions at any moment, even when Im trying to focus entirely on work and study. Its as if a hidden river suddenly spills onto the shore of a dark sea. When I took a break earlier from class, I looked out through the tiny window in our office overlooking the wind-blown clouds across the street below. They seemed to resemble floating palaces in the skythey moved so magically that I felt compelled to step outside and experience it for myself.

Although I dont know whats been given me this power or how I should respond to it, Ive decided to pay closer attention to my surroundingsespecially those things about which I can actually see and feel. I want to understand the world in a way that resonates with both my senses and my inner self.

Sometimes, though, I wonder if any of these feelings are nonsensea product of my imagination or an illusion cast by the shadows of my own mind. The truth is, none of this matters as long as I can live my life to the fullest without losing myself along the way.