Reflecting on Pressure and Growth
recently, his mindset has exploded under a lot of mental pressure. just six days ago was the last time he wrote " " (https://www.tianxianzi.me/p/cutleaf_coneflower/), and a week seems to pass in an instant. he’s been staying up late, getting ready for bed even later, falling into a of not being able to sleep well. it would be good to take a few hours to think about this now.
he remembers seeing a classmate during school’s track meet when he was in middle school. the student was running and his center of gravity shifted forward at all timeshe looked like he was going to fall over any moment. i don’t remember much else about him, but that unstable stance made it hard for him to watch.
just after losing focus once, things started getting better on their ownlike a shallow sleep. reflecting on his work, everything isn’t as bad as it seems. he’s unhappy and behind schedule, blaming himself and others for not doing enough. maybe he should talk to his adviser about continuing with certain aspects of the project or cut what’s no longer needed.
as a phd student, work is work, but being unable to meet deadlines is normal. however, every now and then, he’d feel really badlike his heart was racing and he was angry at himself. he didn’t learn how to be sorry for others when things went wrong. whenever he made a mistake, he’d berate himself for not being good enough.
he’s still working on " " (https://www.bilibili.com/video/BV1k4411i7rP/) late into the night. the first song really hurt him :( ɤˤ plier ʤazole? ! 뤿 Ǥ )
he’s talking about ruby light from udo-mono. he doesn’t like people calling her competition since she’s his rival in the industry, but she doesn’t respect that view. she says it’s not fair to work like this, but when with ruby, everything seems peaceful and at ease because you can tell music isn’t even a must. ruby is a few years younger than him, but she feels more mature. he remembers watching live performances of ruby’s workfull of tension and expression, very satisfying. she worked on everything possible to the best of her ability.
he often envies ruby in his mindshe does so much better than him, yet he can’t stop working hard. he wants to do as good as ruby in every aspecthe doesn’t want to be average anymore but put in the effort and give it all. ruby’s work isn’t as complicated as udo-mono’s, but it makes you relax occasionallylike his song " " (https://www.tianxianzi.me/p/yunnagi/)
they performed " ΥХ( )- ҥ feat. “(https://www.bilibili.com/video/BV1zB4y1v7S2/) recently, and he’s listened to it many times. if you had only two hours in life, you’d want to escape the present for a distant planet just to spend time with ruby :( ۤ Ф Ǥ ). but why does life give us nothing else? if i wanted, could i take off an entire day as vacation? since our work seems so important, doing it every day must be necessary. yet a lot of problems don’t even dare to ask aboutfear of losing control or others’ judgment.
work and evaluation lead to meaninglessness but seem impossible to break free from for him. now he feels like carrying the weight of his own sins as a solitary monk. ruby’s work is so demanding, but he can only do it if he has two hours every day. life seems too short to waste in this way. anyone who seeks eternal things will end up in pain. ruby and he want to escape from now and carry such burden onward.
in the mv, ruby and he see a gray world with a flash of pinkfar away from the spirals of planets pulling them in. but is that enough? are they just living for two hours each and hoping to see nothing at all in life?
god, how can we find freedom from these base thoughts? humans like us cannot escape such torment. ruby and he want to carry this burden onward… will it bring them any relief?
image 1
