Reflections on Life's Depths vs Surface

For so long, today I have talked with my family about these matters concerning one’s future livelihood and marriage. I still consider myself a student at heart, never daring to even think of such things. Deep down within me, the world is divided into two realms: the superficial layer, which revolves around people’s material lives and entertainment; and an inner realm composed of art, literature, mathematics, science, and philosophythese are all created from and surpassing the superficial layer. The superficial layer alone merely serves as a foundation for the inner realm.

Given the various reasons why my present state is only hopeful day by day without looking further ahead, I have not even dared to imagine any farther. To me, the superficial layer of the world is merely a shadow. I long so much for some eternal existence. Because this broken and uncertain world cannot hold together with such fragility, the beauty of art and literature has an unyielding grip on time. Without strength, beauty cannot be called beautiful. Yet, unfortunately, due to my lack of ability or talent, I cannot claim to have any truly mine alone.

It is regrettable that I am so average in both thought and action; after all these years, I still cannot realize the true meaning of life. Because of this, I have only succeeded in surviving each day as best as I can. Even though I think deeply about the inner world every day, I cannot truly possess anything belonging to me alone. My thoughts and struggles are so pedestrian that they seem unremarkable even when viewed objectively. I firmly believe that my way of thinking is too ordinary for anyone else.

I have always been firmly opposed to considering matters concerning the external world because I fear losing everything forever. Even now, after leaving my homeland and everything behind, I feel free yet unchallenged. But what can one do with such freedom? All one can do is continue to dwell in this mental prison of doubt and uncertainty day by day without any real progress or results.

I am so pitiful over how I have wasted time on thinking about the superficial layer of the world! Even though I may be able to escape from it now, I cannot write anything meaningful. I am losing myself in endless doubts and uncertainties again and again…