Reflections on Mess and Misuse

This morning, while brushing my teeth, I took some anti-anxiety pills. The effect was still strong, and by two o’clock in the afternoon, I could already feel drowsy. No work could be done, so I decided to clean up my things. In fact, when I poured oil earlier that morning, I found that the shelf life of the oil had expired for a full year. Scared to death! I checked many articles online and learned that spoiled oil can have a serious impact on health. Although the oil I smell doesnt seem to be that bad online. Well, its time to get rid of everything. I threw away all my etc., just two or three hours laterso messy! But I also found that many of the spices I was currently using had already expired. Its really crazy. So Ive always been using expired stuff. After going around and throwing them all out, the house became much cleaner.

Sitting on the floor looking at those trash bags, I felt deep depression. How did I spend these years? Buying whatever I wanted every day but never having enough money to buy it, buying things that were useless, just buying themI cant figure this out. Although they arent very expensive, throwing all these heavy items one by one just makes me feel heavy inside. A person is like trash, and surrounded by small trashes, the room becomes a trash heap. These thoughts also came back to me: Am I worth it? When I was young, I used to buy things I liked only after saving up a lot of pocket money. Even if they were better ones, I wouldnt give them to my classmates (although I really wanted to). These thoughts also came back to me again. Despite all these being bought with my own earned money, I still feel like Im not deserving of such a life.

While cleaning things up, I could actually feel how long each item had been usedit was sometimes something that might have been useful at the time but later turned out to be useless. This is just like human relationships. And I also remember why I bought these items in the first place; the more thoughts I had about this, the more I felt that time was actually bound up with people and things.

When I threw everything away, I didnt feel heavy, but lighter. Timelessmaybe its better to start over again. Maybe later there will be a group of new trashes forming relationships and throwing them away once again.

I pointed at all the stuff in front of me and asked: Do you remember me? If not, I have to get rid of all of you. I bowed with both hands together, tore open the trash bags. Tearing open the black trash bags felt like tearing open an entrance to somewhere. Throw them one by one into the trash heap. There was a lot of different kinds of trash, rough and soft, really hurts.