Reflections on University Life

Today, when I lay down in bed, I suddenly thought: If I had returned to senior high school during the summer vacation last year, how would life be different? I had also been thinking about this while watching an anime My Life as a Dog years ago. I lay there for half an hour before suddenly becoming lucid and fed myself one pill of melatonin.

I dont remember any important times or places, but some tiny, scattered, unconnected memories pop into my mindI hadnt recalled these details ever before, as if they appeared just now. Acquiring so many such memories makes me feel like university life is endlessly long, longer than the five years Ive spent here. When reflecting on the past, aside from feeling sad about cherished memories, theres nothing particularly emotional to speak of. Time seems unfathomable and fate inconceivable.

I cant explain why I suddenly remembered my first days at college when I walked a long distance with a few new acquaintances to a shop downtown to have some ramen and pig ears for dinneralthough I can still sense the fresh air, the anticipation, the excitement, and the longing for new horizons, as well as the scent of evening air and the chirping of night insects. I also recall the noise of the lively campus, people shouting and talking incoherently, while I stood at my dorm window, gazing at the moonwhich was probably during a certain festivalthen looked outside through the glass wondering if it matched any stories Id read. The moon has always been like that, prompting me to look back on the days Ive seen it. For me now, this is the only fixed object in an ever-changing world.

Last night, I had so many vivid dreamsone about a adolescence who was bitter yet full of confidence, another about myself today. No longer do I feel anything exciting; instead, I feel a bit nostalgic for my past self. I miss those unreached ideals that kept attracting me as a childbut when I thought about it again, Im still imagining things now.

Ive always been lost in my own fantasies. Although I recalled the fantasy of my youth and felt something inexplicable about it, todays fantasies only weigh me down and make me dizzy. I feel like Im interacting with life through another layer of fantasyexisting only in the past, freely reimagining every moment there to add color and feeling that dont belong here at all. All I have left from reality is cold, unadulterated material for my fantasiestheyre just food for my cravings.

Im so hungry now…