Struggle with Alcohol: Mental Tensions, Self-Deception, and the Search for Happiness
Continuously drinking might be attempting to reach the memory of a point where one can experience happiness, but because this peak of joy can never be achieved, one ends up drinking more and more. The more one drinks, the more pleasure one loses; one tries to achieve the same level of pleasure by drinking even more. Drinking too much makes the body feel like it’s submerged in deep water, with those emotions, sudden inspiration, and other thoughts that are generated under oxygen deprivation being merely figments of one’s imagination. Everything is a hallucination. Alcohol can only serve as a deception; the body and mind suffer from self-harm while pursuing fictional fun, leaving countless wounds and tendencies. In its tendencies, one loses judgment and drifts further away from whoever or whatever is unreachable.
Recently, due to job hunting, there has been too much anxiety and self-doubt, and drinking also seems excessively excessive. Although the amount drunk each day isn’t large, it continues daily, leading to an increasing consumption of alcohol, which makes one feel less than ideal mentally and morally. One feels that life is out of control in certain aspects due to living alone for too long, with some things outside one’s control seeming peculiar but not noticeable until they’re observed closely. Some subtle habits seem to be moving toward something increasingly unreasonable without anyone noticing. For example, drinking heavily during the day can make one realize that such a state isn’t normal, even though one’s social function and work capability are intact, yet if not controlled, the situation could become quite dire. One understands how Raymond Carver novels (https://www.tianxianzi.me/p/raymond_carver/) deal with the lives of middle-aged men and women who drink excessively in alcohol.
One can understand how people drink to excess, but one feels that this state is too extreme for oneself. Uncontrolled living brings a certain level of pleasure, although what requires constant control to live a fulfilling life seems tiring. Throwing control away allows one to live in the mist of uncertainty without any sense of joy or healthdespite being unable to feel completely at ease. One can only feel something through alcoholthis is the only way to experience feelings. One understands all this, but one feels that these things are too much for oneself.
One doesn’t have an alcohol addiction and isn’t as mentally fragile as one might think. One’s dependence on alcohol isn’t as severe as coffee consumption; coffee actually hinders one’s ability to sleep if not consumed regularly, while alcohol has no such effect. One hasn’t felt any withdrawal symptoms in two years after taking medication. Still, one feels that this is being done in some sort of role-playing. One has always had an inclination toward self-deprecation, placing oneself below others constantly and imagining oneself as both humble and arrogant. One feels absolutely loath to talk about work anymore; it’s already too late during the day, so one closes the curtains, ending another round of “role-playing.” One is filled with a sense of nausea.
On the Nth day after giving up drinking:
Nights are spent drinking while staying awake all day. Drinking itself is a way to pass time; conversely, talking about things one doesn’t want to talk about and has no ideas about how to proceed can also be a way to spend time. One falls asleep in the end, having stayed up too long. The person who left earlier seems to have been around again at a bar one often frequents after work, now drinking with others. Water isn’t as refreshing as one thought; instead, there’s an overwhelming desire to drink alcohol. The person is surrounded by many people, and their conversation is mainly about drinking. One could read instructions from a bottle of wine on the table in front of them. Two men who know each other well are sitting close together outside, but no one knows what they’re talking about.
On the N+1 day:
One returns home after work and immediately goes to the bar where one used to drink every night. One is alone now; the person has been drinking since midnight without stopping. The person is still inebriated at the bar, so one can’t help but feel that one should probably leave. There’s a phone call waiting when one returns home after work, which leads one to go out again for some reason. One drinks more than usual because of this call and ends up having to go back inside; the person is completely wasted. The person has been drinking for hours without anyone noticing, but the others seem to be in good spirits.
On the N+2 day:
One was supposed to give up drinking several days ago due to continuous heavy drinking each night and the stress of writing a paper at work that led to another phone call asking one to go out and drink. One ends up going out again after finishing the paper, only to be reminded later in the evening that they were supposed to give up drinking. The person can’t seem to stop talking about drinking anymore or even focus on anything else; one feels like they’re in a loop of getting drunk over and over again. The person has to admit defeat once more.
On the N+3 day:
One notices a mistake in their paper during the day, which causes the brain to race furiously at first, followed by intense panic. One can’t focus on anything else and feels like vomiting; one keeps working until nightfall when everything seems manageable enough that it might be possible to correct this later. However, one’s ability to resist drinking has been compromised again because of this mistake. One goes out for another round of drinking despite being told they should give up.
On the N+M day:
One isn’t planning to drink at all today but is invited out with a friend who’s about to go abroad for postdoctoral research, so one stops by a bar just to take a walk and talk. One has other plans in mind, such as working on their thesis during that time, but everything changes when one sees that the person they were supposed to meet at work is now out with someone else. The person leaves quickly after talking for over ten hours without stopping. One feels that this arrangement may not be sustainable and decides to go out drinking alone because one can’t imagine how one will face work in the near future.
The night before, one drank more than usual, which made one feel like they were floating in a pool of alcohol with no sense of relief or contentment. One also felt extremely tired from drinking all day and is now determined to get some rest. One would rather go to bed and not watch TV or read anymore because the person who stayed up talking during work hours was clearly in bad spirits afterward.
Last night, one drank as usual but felt more drained than happy. The body seems drenched in alcohol with no sign of getting any relief or joy; one is also extremely tired from drinking all day and can’t help but lie down to rest.
