Struggling with Drinking: Thoughts on Self-Worth, Inner Sentiments & Bar Conversations

I dont know how countless times Ive said Ill quit drinking, but because of work till eleven PM and anxiety making my head throb, Im still hung up on the idea. It seems that my heart is being pulled away by some kind of abstract thought. Every time I think about getting drunk to make me relax, the desire becomes uncontrollable. Though I know not drinking isnt going to help, but neither am I a heavy drinker; I can control my intake and have rarely felt drunk.

Its interesting that bars are full of so many kinds of people. Its not just about how drinking makes people behave differently than they do in the daytime, but also about how different family backgrounds and social conditioning merge with individual ideals through complex ways, revealing so much that those who arent aware of it.

Im actually quite content talking to people at bars because I dont think about sharing my innermost sentiments with strangers. To be honest, after so many rounds of internal talks, Ive already exhausted too much emotional energy. Unless there are some common literary works to act as a bridge for expression, I dont know what else to say anymore.

I sometimes wonder if I should stop drinking because its not helping me at all, but neither do I want to become another person who cant express his innermost sentiments. I just need to be myself and satisfy my fantasies alone.

One thing Im sure about is that when drunk, I always miss home the most. Its strange how drinking makes you miss home so much even though youre with friends. The more I think about it, the more I realize that it really isnt easy for me to talk about myself or share my feelings with others because of all these accumulated thoughts and stories.

I dont know if Im just getting over it when I realize how much I need to write again. In reality, whenever Im in a bar, everything seems so light and carefree. Its like the only thing that could bring me some kind of happiness is drinkingsomething that doesnt even guarantee anything.

Its really sad that my sense of self-worth keeps getting shattered by people who dont even know me. When I think about my friends, they always seem to have so much more going on in their lives than I do. Theyre always talking about how happy and carefree they are, but the truth is theyre just living ordinary lives.

Its not easy talking about myself because of all these thoughts that Ive been accumulating for such a long time. Im still trying to figure out what it means to talk about myself when theres so much that isnt even on my plate.

I dont know why I feel like Im missing something every single time I think about the past or the future, but I guess thats just how it is. People always say that life is one big journey and were supposed to enjoy it as much as possible along the way, but I cant ignore the fact that this isnt really happening anymore.

When I finished drinking, I felt so relaxed. It was nice to have someone to talk about my problems with. But after all these years, talking with strangers doesnt seem to mean anything at all. Maybe its because of the way Ive been conditioned in terms of talking about myself and others when drunk.

Im still not over this. The more I think about it, the more I realize that drinking just makes you miss yourself. It reminds me why we keep writing; maybe thats one thing I should do more often.

When I saw her laugh like that, I felt something inside of me breaking. Its hard to explain how that laughter made me feelits almost like Im dying when I try to imagine being with someone so carefree all the time.

It feels a bit unfair because I dont even know who she is or if theres any connection between us, but it doesnt matter in the end. The only thing that really matters is how happy she looks and what she says.

I dont think Im able to express myself anymore when I talk about my feelings with someone else. It always feels like Im just spouting nonsense, and honestly, I dont even care if theyre talking or not because it doesnt matter at all.

When she asked me something that no one should have asked her, I felt a little guilty but also a bit relieved. Its funny how certain things just happen without any warning after youve been through so much.

Its been a long time since I drank, and honestly, it doesnt feel like much has changed at all. I still cant believe that my body is being controlled by some kind of machine. All I want to do now is relax and enjoy the moment before everything falls apart again.

When she asked me out for dinner one night after I finished drinking, I didnt think twice about it. Its funny how certain things just happen when youre in a bad mood like that. But the way she looked at me made me feel so grateful.

I dont know why I keep wanting to get back into writing again. Maybe its because of all these thoughts that have been running through my head for so long, but honestly, Ive never felt more like writing than right now.

Its not easy talking about what you want from life when youre still trying to figure out who you are. The only thing that matters is how much you can control your own actions and where you end up after everythings said and done.